


Lament of a Greek Assistant

by Mama May-Eye (Mama_May_Eye)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cats, Countries, Gen, Human Assistant, Humor, Sexual Humor, episodic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mama_May_Eye/pseuds/Mama%20May-Eye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a pushover gets assigned to be personal assistant to the representative of Greece, he couldn't have been happier to get that pay raise. "A job like this wouldn't be so hard," was his one thought going in. Poor bastard. No slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Assignment 1

Here's a funny scenario. Really funny. So hilarious. What do you get when you take a guy with a desk job who frequently takes "no" for an answer and throw him in a house full of cats with one Greek man who can be described by those who know him best as "barely senile"…and what if the guy with a desk job was ordered to babysit the Greek man on pain of death? Well, mister desk job didn't know, but he guessed the answer to the above mentioned question was something like a big freakin' mess. One that causes aneurysms and tears and momentary losses of memory when a pitiful employee of the government bashes his head against the Greek man's wall because of the rising insanity experienced in said man's presence for an extended ninety-eight hours.

"Mister Karpusi."

A second's delay. "Yes? Is there something wrong?" Though the way it was phrased it sounded more like a statement. Lesser, more meek people might have been discouraged by the lack of positive encouragement in the voice that answered. That is, they would have been, had they not spent many frustrating weeks in his company already.

"I know it's _hard_ to convert from one way of life to another, so I will be brief. Did you eat cat food this morning for breakfast?"

"Hmmm…no."

Colin Galanos (the unfortunate bastard mentioned before) was surprised. "No?" He had seen the box of cat treats open on the counter a few seconds ago and he was positive that none of Mr. Karpusi's cats could open the box, despite how… _human_ they seemed sometimes.

Greece tilted his head to the side. "I did not eat any for breakfast…but I did eat some for lunch."

"Wha-! Mr. Karpusi, you know it's my job to ensure your overall care. That means that I at least have to make sure you have a healthy meal every day so that you will not keel over from malnourishment and so I won't have to deal with the fatal fallout of said consequence!" He paused for a breath and silently scrutinized the Greek man sitting calmly on the couch. "How many did you have?"

Greece began to pet one of the cats padding by his legs. "Not as many as yesterday."

"Oh my-"

"Jennifer was pushy…so I had to feed her and Felix instead. Because they're lovers…."

Colin rubbed his temples in growing desperation. Or frustration. Or a growing homicidal urge.

"…and they'll have babies soon. I'll be an uncle, you know."

He could really go with either. He sighed in defeat and asked instead, "You must at least eat an apple. Or something human."

"Cannibalism is illegal, I think."

"What? No, no, I mean eat something that humans would eat – normal people. No one normal eats cat food." He spread out his hands toward the nonchalant man in a symbol of acceptance, reining his frustration in admirably. "Understand what I've been saying?"

Man-turned-servant and cat-obsessed representative studied one another, seconds ticking by. Colin could feel his hope for a quick end to this conversation start to sink slowly and painfully. Greece blinked.

"But I'm full already."

"Uuuraaagh!"

Greece, having grown accustomed to his personal assistant's outbursts, merely stood and walked towards his room.

"Hey! Where are you going! …Sir," Colin added as an afterthought. He was technically on duty, after all, and courtesy was an unspoken requirement in this job. Regardless of how much of a pain the "job" was.

Greece did not pause as he stepped past Colin, lightly plopped a cat on his head, and continued down the hallway. "To my bedroom. I am tired…" here he turned back to look at Colin, "since I had to work for a very long time this morning."

"A-A long time? I don't believe you; when I walked in, you were taking a nap! Now you're taking another one?"

Greece shrugged. "I like naps. They do not hurt anyone. And I was up before you arrived."

Colin felt as if he was in the wrong suddenly. "W-Well, I suppose, but –"

"Mmm. 'Night." The door to the Greek man's room shut with a soft click.

Silence reigned as Colin stood dumbfounded in the living room. This, unfortunately, was a regular occurrence since his being assigned to "assist" the representative of Greece. Officially, this detailed providing service bordering on a bodyguard or a cameraman or one of those things where the person was to accompany their so-called boss wherever he/she were to go. Unofficially, he was, for all purposes, a babysitter. Joy. At least he didn't have to risk his life to protect this guy, though he got the feeling that his superiors would prefer he did.

He sighed and began to clean up around the felines padding around the floor, tripping over some as they either weaved between his legs or just lay sprawled across the floor. Ugh, so many felines. He didn't mind animals (another of the unofficial requirements for this job) but he really wished there weren't so _many_. Didn't Mr. Karpusi know the saying "too much of a good thing is a bad thing"? On second thought, he probably did but just didn't care. Colin Galanos was quickly learning the many quirks of his employer and how to handle them. Well…half-handle them; he was still blindsided sometimes by the words or actions of this unique individual. Picking up a cat by the scruff of its neck and gently depositing it on the other side of a wrapper, Colin swiped up the trash and turned towards the kitchen to throw it away. It wasn't that Mr. Karpusi was a messy man particularly, but the felines he kept around literally littered the ground (no pun intended); they would lay on any rubbish lying around and it was tricky to see where a stain might reside when a furry body covered it from eyesight.

He sighed again and felt something shift upon his head. Startled, he quickly swiped his hand across his head and encountered a fluffy, warm obstacle. Relaxing, he detached the cat his quirky employer had placed upon Colin's head before he went to take another nap. Colin petted the cat, more a kitten, absent-mindedly as he headed to the couch to await the awakening of Mr. Karpusi. He couldn't leave until his shift was over, after all. As he sat he began to reflect on the first day he was given his orders. His descent into madness, so to speak.

* * *

 

" _We'll be assigning you to our representative of Greece. As such, your duties will include the care and initial safety of the representative. You will accompany the representative wherever he may go at whatever time in the day. You will be responsible for his actions and his public image. This means you will make sure he upholds the position befitting a representative of Greece and to negate any of his actions that may embarrass the country by employing peaceful and diplomatic means. Use of violence and hostility toward the representative or otherwise will have dire consequences." He leaned forward pointedly. "Very dire consequences."_

_"I understand, sir. I will uphold these conditions and more. I will not let Greece down."_

_"See that you don't. There is a car in the front waiting to take you to the representative's home. On the way you will review your assignment through the file located inside the car. You are dismissed."_

* * *

 

There had been more to the briefing, but he had been so happy to get a promotion, no matter what position it was _to_ , that he never stopped to question why he was the only one getting it in the first place, if he did anything to deserve it, or if this job was high-risk. He just needed the money – his apartment complex's rent had increased.

He should've just killed himself then and there to spare himself the future torture.

After a while, he heard the sounds of life in his boss's room and thought he should try to make amends for before – he had reacted rather critically towards the guy and if he spent the morning doing his job, well, why should anyone be given grief over that? He walked over to the door and knocked on it.

"Mr. Karpusi?"

"...Yes?"

The person inside sounded as if he were dead on his feet, making the assistant feel even worse for his behavior before.

"Is there something I could get for you?"

"Hmmm, no." The door clicked open to reveal a disheveled Greece.

"Oh…. Well, I, uh, I wanted to apologize for before, sir. I thought you were lazing about this morning like I see you do sometimes. I shouldn't have chastised you for working, though." He shifted. "That's all I wanted to say."

Greece gazed at him with the eyes of someone who either didn't know what was going on around him or just didn't care. There was a strong possibility it was both.

"'S'alright. No one is perfect, so we are bound to make mistakes. I have a friend…he says that to keep an open mind…is wise…or something like that."

Colin almost tried to make sense of that random input of information. See? He was learning. "Yes, sir, and, again, sorry for the misunderstanding." As Greece turned to leave his room, however, Colin got an idea, something for the big guy. "Mr. Karpusi, a moment. Would you mind if I sent your work to Parliament for you? It's the least I could do."

Greece turned back into his room. "If you want to." Grabbing his work from the morning, he came back and handed it to Colin.

"…Mister…?"

"There it is. It was hard to do it, though, so…maybe not clench it so hard."

Colin stared with a growing sense of astonishment and fury. What was in his hand. What was this. One page? _One_ page? One _page_? He wasn't aware of his hands grasping, nearly crushing, the paper in his hands while a curious Greece watched his reaction.

"Th-This…." This was _it_? He looked up in shock to the person in front of him, who yawned and declared,

"So this is what a full work day feels like."

The sound of a wire snapping could be metaphorically heard. "You made me apologize and you only finished one page! You are the laziest man on Earth and I take back my apology! I'm throwing out your cat food!"

"…Wait…!"

Yeah, mister desk job should've spared himself the headache of living through this shit.


	2. Assignment 2

" _Konnichiwa_."

Colin stared once he looked up from his small but time-consuming paperwork in front of him (apparently babysitting someone narcoleptic didn't give you the right to be lazy yourself). "What language is that?"

The Greek across from him tilted his head as he continued petting one of his cats in his lap. "It's Japanese. I learned it for my friend. For when he visits sometimes."

"Oh? You have friends?" is what he almost said. He instead changed it to: "Really? I didn't think you knew other languages besides Greek and English."

"Hm. I know plenty." He turned. "Want to hear some?"

"Uh…no thank–"

"Pocky…sushi…sake…"

"B-But that's stuff that we already have here in Greece! It's not really learning another language…."

"…Soy sauce…steamed buns…rice balls…"

"None of that is in Japanese – you're still speaking Greek!"

"…rice-oo barr-oos–"

"Adding an "Oo!" on the end of words does not mean you're speaking another language!"

Greece paused and sighed as if irritated with his assistant's constant doubting of his bilingual abilities, though one could not see any signs of it on his face.

"I did remember one word from Japan: _baka_."

Colin blinked, surprised – that actually sounded a bit Asian. "Okay. What does it mean?"

Greece looked him in the eyes. "It means a smart, hardworking man. You, assistant, are a _baka_. The biggest one."

Colin was pleased with this out-of-the-blue compliment from his weird employer, but decided to take it – he didn't get many compliments in this job. "Well, thank you, Mister Karpusi. I wish I could say the same for you, but…"

Greece went back to petting the cat in his hands. "No, it's alright. That is one thing I'm glad I'm not."


	3. Assignment 3

It was the second month since Colin started his new Parliament paid job. His new _higher paid_ job. Right now? He was cleaning up his boss's living room.

He couldn't help but think there was something all-kinds-of-wrong with that sentence.

As he swiped up an old newspaper from under a dozing cat (and it stayed on its back where it landed) he heard the public telephone ring. His employer had his own cell phone for whichever private government-whatever secrets they told each other, so Colin was free to answer the house phone without running the risk of knowing something he shouldn't. Although, since working for Mister Karpusi, he already wished he could un-learn certain things.

As the ringing was getting annoying – and Mister Karpusi had yet to emerge from his room – Colin walked over to the telephone (reflecting in his head again that answering his employer's phone while cleaning his house was a normal-enough action and that it didn't make him a maid or a secretary) and answered it, believing the person on the other end would range from a telemarketer to some neighborly-type well-wisher.

"Hello, Karpusi resi-?"

"What the holy hell is wrong with you, you stupid _bastard_! You leave that kind of message on my _answering machine_? I have TRNC living over here, you dumb gutter-eater! What if he was home to hear that kind of language? I'd say use your brain, but I _know_ you only think with _one_ _head_ -!"

"Uh…" Colin was not prepared for this kind of verbal abuse at the house of man who didn't appear to have made one enemy (or friend but he guessed wrong about that) in his entire life. "…I'm sorry…I think you have the wrong number."

Silence. Then a happy, "Oh, I'm sorry. Disregard what I said, then. Apologies for bothering you, sir."

Colin breathed a sigh of relief. The person didn't sound as crazy now as he first thought. "No, it's alright. Er…goodbye."

" _Hoşçakalın_."

Then there was no one on the line.

Perplexed at the unusual call, but willing to do as the foreign voice said and disregard it, he turned away only for the phone to ring right away. With a sense of bemusement at who the next mysterious caller might be, he answered it.

"Hello, Kar–?"

"What the holy hell is wrong with you, you stupid _bastard_! You leave that kind of message –!"

"Er…this is the person from before?"

"What!"

Colin couldn't stop his shoulders from jerking at the bark. This person sounded as if he was a drill sergeant getting ready to shoot someone for insubordination. He never dealt well with people like this, preferring quiet company. "Um, this is the same person as before, sir. Did you get the wrong number again?"

"Wha– Hold on!" There came the sound of ruffling papers in the background. Then, "No, this is the right number. Who the hell is this?"

Colin narrowed his eyes at the commanding tone but replied, "This is the Karpusi residence. May I ask who's calling?"

"Karpu-? Ohhh! Well, that explains it. Who are you? Some visiting Parliament guy? What'd the cat-pervert do this time?" Snickering. "He forget to tie his shoes and had to get one of his lackeys to do it for him?"

Colin wasn't sure how to respond to this animosity, this sense of rivalry. He didn't know if he should defend his employer or let the man defend himself.

"Er…I…I could take a message for him…."

"So? I don't care about that anymore. Well, I do, but I can just spam his email again with past pictures of Belgium's _Kattenstoet_. But I asked before – who are you?"

"I'm mister Karpusi's assistant. Colin Galanos."

"…Assistant?"

"Yes, his hired personal assistant."

A silence on the other end.

"…Hello?" He was rewarded with laughter blasting in his ear.

"Hahaha! Hahaha! Oh, God-! Ahahaha! You're a- you're his _bitch_!"

Colin's eyes widened in outrage. "I am _not_ anyone's-! I'm an _assistant_ and that's my only job! We don't do anything like that here!" He was being insulted by a stranger from who-knows-where just by association.

"Yeah, sure. I bet Jerkules pays you a bunch for your 'job'! I've never heard of a no-strings-attached assistant – where were you born? Certainly not _there_. Hee hee hee!"

He sputtered, not liking the crude insinuations but too socially awkward to return the favor. "Ah…I…I'm hanging up now!"

"Ahahaha! Please, stop! My sides! I hurt! Ahaha!"

Colin jammed the phone back into its cradle and stalked away. He was not answering the next few calls no matter what – let the narcoleptic handle his own house!

Elsewhere, Turkey was clutching his stomach and almost in tears. That assistant who answered the phone didn't know what he got himself into! Oh, this was priceless! Turkey had to see the poor bastard in a few months if he still worked there. After squeezing off a few more chuckles, he shakily picked up the phone – Greece's message forgotten – and dialed another number. He had to tell someone about this!


	4. Assignment 4

Colin had been sitting in the hot sun for about four hours now, watching his employer attempt to unearth ruins on the outskirts of Greece. This wasn't part of his job and he wanted to go home…or at least inside where it was cool. But, nooo, mister Karpusi had specifically asked for him to stay there while he finished. So stay he did and now he was regretting it.

He got up and walked toward his boss's work so far. There were a few miscellaneous objects splayed out on the stone steps beside the cat man with a pickaxe. Colin studied the artifacts as cats weaved through his legs and around the ruins. There were chunks of dirt that may or may not contain something from ancient Greece, as well as more identifiable objects such as a spoon and what looked like some sort of fossil.

He sighed. "When can we go?" he asked feeling like an impatient kid with a slow-moving parent.

Mister Karpusi barely paid attention to him as he answered, "Soon," and went back to work.

After taking a walk around the perimeter, Colin decided he'd just sit down again, waiting, and took a seat near the objects his employer had already dug up. To his surprise, as he put his weight down on the stone slab he felt the ruins start to give way. Startled he jumped up and sprinted away, afraid he'd fall through a hole or something. After a few moments of silence, the Greek employer nonchalantly walked over and inspected where Colin had sat.

"Uh, mister Karpusi?"

Slowly Greece held up a now broken plate, same color as the stones it was set upon, ancient by the way it looked, and very, very valuable.

Shit.

"Ah-! Uh-! That was an accident!"

"You broke a priceless artifact."

"I-I said I was sorry, mister Karpusi!"

"With your ass."

"They can put it back together, I'm sure!"

His employer looked over to him. "You're fired."

His heart stopped. Colin had never been fired from a job before! Never in his entire life! This was-! No! What would Parliament do to him? What had he done! He'd ruined his future! _He'd never be hired again_!

Greece watched, expressionless, as his stupid assistant collapsed to the ground, foaming at the mouth. Using the camera he brought along for excavations, he snapped a picture for future blackmail/revenge material and took his time packing up his supplies. His assistant could only be fired from his job by the parliament that hired him in the first place – Greece had no say in the matter. He neglected, however, to tell Colin this since it was much funnier this way. And he could use some laughs.


	5. Assignment 5

It wasn't every day you get a call from the fire department telling you that your boss's house nearly burnt down (your number was listed as an emergency number for some odd and probably pitiful reason). Well, Colin could think of worse wake up calls. He could also think of better ones. Now here he was standing on the lawn as he watched firefighters hastily put out a fire around the back of the house.

He glanced at his boss. "The hell, sir?"

The other Greek turned to look at him, dressed in his usual clothes and holding a cat, one clinging to his back and another to his pants leg. "I was trying to light a candle for a 'dinner by candle light'."

"Okay. _Why_?"

"Hm. Because a candle-light dinner is romantic…or so I'm told."

"Well, yes, I suppose. But it usually involves a date or someone to impress. …Did you have a date here? (Please say no – that image is just too weird.)"

"…I guess so…."

"You-! You guess so? It's usually either a yes or no question! How can you not know if you were just with someone or not?"

"It's complicated." He gave Colin a pitying look. "You'll understand when you're older."

"When I'm-! No, nevermind. And why were you having a candle-light dinner at 2 o'clock in the morning? And, again, where is your 'date' if this just happened?"

"You're too nosey, assistant. You're starting to make me uncomfortable."

"Me make _you_ uncomfortable? That's a new reversal."

His employer turned back towards his smoking home. He studied it for so long Colin began to shuffle impatiently, trying to find some reason to leave for his own house. It was chilly out here and his boss obviously wasn't dead, so…. He was just turning around to awkwardly excuse himself when the elder man spoke.

"My home is ruined…."

"O-Only a little bit, sir," Colin tried to cheer him up. After all, only a small portion of the home had been burnt. It would be repaired easily.

"I have to find someplace else to stay while they repair it."

"A-Ah. Good luck with that!"

"All of my cats, too…."

"Don't worry! I'm sure you have friends willing to offer you a temporary place to stay. You're not _so_ bad to live with!"

"Oh. Then, can we stay with you?"

"Hell no!"


	6. Assignment 6

Being an assistant sometimes meant doing menial chores for your boss that weren't in the job description. Like the ever-famous coffee runs. Or the horrors of secretary telephone lines. Or even just making up excuses for them to their coworkers when they skip out on work or arrive late. Colin knew all the unspoken labors that sometimes come with certain bosses searching to take advantage of employees. He was no stranger to it, having been essentially kissing-up to people all his life. He'd performed all the stupid tasks ever featured in television shows and even more.

What was new, however, was going grocery shopping for someone who thought food for cats was good enough for them as well.

So…here he was, walking down the street to the grocers. He really shouldn't have been surprised. Hadn't Colin heard weirder since he became Hercules Karpusi's assistant? Being made into the man's – essentially – caretaker wasn't something too horrible, he supposed in hindsight. A waste of Colin's talents? Definitely. Demeaning? Of course. But, horrible? No, not really. Compared to others, he should be grateful he even had a job right now.

So it was with this mindset that he entered the store and gave the food list he was given a glance, adjusting mister Karpusi's "favorite bag" that he was handed to carry the foods (this store was one of those that suggested customers bring their own bags). More cat food on the list, of course. At least some normal foods were listed, Colin was relieved to see.

Finally achieving what he came for, he carried the bag of products to the cashier to purchase. Standing in the slow-moving line, Colin looked for something to amuse himself while he waited. Feeling eyes on him, he looked to his left to see a young lady about his age studying him. She had a lovely face and an even lovelier figure. He smiled at her and, realizing she was caught, she blushed furiously and smiled shyly back.

Colin's heart fluttered.

This was the kind of woman he liked. Shy, innocent, and peaceful. Kind of like a little rabbit, he thought, endearingly, with a blush. Since working directly for Parliament he hadn't had a lot of time to date or, really, just meet anyone. He wasn't outgoing to begin with, so looking for someone quiet like himself was actually really hard for him. And here she was! What a coincidence.

_Don't mess it up, Colin. Lure her in with conversation then invite her on a walk or for coffee or something. You can do this! Don't let this chance slip away._

He quickly moved down the already decreasing line at the register and set his products on the conveyor belt quickly while thinking furiously. He turned to the introverted woman as he lifted the bag his employer gave him from the counter.

And failed to realize it was now upside down.

As if on cue, a cascade of paper squares descended to land noisily on both the conveyor belt and the floor. Startled, Colin looked down, still holding the bag awkwardly.

Condoms. Condoms were _everywhere_. Oh, _God_. Oh, shit! No! They were in the bag the whole time at the bottom. And now _they were_ _everywhere_!

Horrified and now very aware that many people were now staring, he looked at the woman who could've been his future _peaceful, pretty, smart, gorgeous, funny_ bride. She looked just as startled as he and, as if in slow-motion, she blushed furiously as her eyes averted, a clear sign of romantic dismissal if Colin ever saw. Dammit, he was cheated!

"Get around, do you?" the cashier asked with a teasing grin as Colin's embarrassment meter reached its breaking point. "Maybe you can give me some pointers, huh, mister player?"

" _Noooooo_!" Colin fled the store in tears, ignoring the call of: '"Wait, sir! You forgot your groceries!"'

He was never going to show his face here again! Never again! He'd move to Australia and be alone forever! The most embarrassing thing to ever happen to him! He could never go back to that store or be around those people!

Dramatically, he ran all the way back to his home to drown the embarrassment in alcohol and music and forget everything in the world that ever existed!

* * *

 

Back at his own home, Greece checked the clock in confusion as he petted one of his felines, wondering what his assistant was doing now. And sighed. He needed that bag back. It was his favorite for a reason.


	7. Assignment 7

Colin stared at the double doors, complete with a guard of two impressive-looking bouncers, with a put-out kind of expression. He thought being the assistant to such an important individual (though _why_ mister Karpusi was important he still couldn't figure out) would entail that he would be privy to a lot of secret information. Access to locations barred from the public. Knowledge kept from politicians.

No, none of that here. As soon as he and Hercules Karpusi had arrived for this great "meeting", he had been asked (threatened) to stay outside of the meeting room itself! Wasn't he supposed to enter as well? What was he doing here, in that case? Many others less professional-looking than them had entered the room without a blink from the two guards at the door. What the hell! He didn't understand…. All he was told was that this meeting was important for other countries, including Greece, and that, as always, he was to accompany his employer. Already he was starting to feel useless and bored with being here.

There was nothing interesting in the hallways and he wasn't sure if he should wait for the other Greek or leave to do his own thing, whatever that would be. Exploring the building, maybe. Indecisive, Colin finally stood and paced down the corridor and down the stairs to the building's lobby. It really makes a person want to leave more quickly when two muscled, clearly-armed-and-dangerous bouncers are staring at you meanly for an hour straight. In the lobby, nothing had changed from when they arrived an hour ago except for the fact that it was now significantly less crowded and nearly silent. Sighing and wondering how to occupy himself for however long this meeting took, he helped himself to some of the complimentary coffee on the desk against the wall. Compared to what he usually experienced when with his employer, this new-found quietness was almost too boring for him.

Taking a sip of his beverage, he glanced around the floor at the few people still milling about. Men and women dressed for work, on their way to offices, on lunch breaks, or leaving for their home. A few individuals, non-workers, waiting for documentation for whatever suited their needs. A delivery man wheeling in a stack of boxes. A child sitting alone. Colin did a double-take on that one, his professional adult side reeling. A boy in a sailor suit was sitting alone on one of the couches in an alcove, coloring and writing vigorously. Looking around yielded no concern for the lone child and Colin shrugged, thinking the kid belonged to one of the in-view receptionists.

Seeing as he had run out of coffee in the little cup, he turned around to get more when he noticed a lot more was missing from the pot than there had been before. Confused, he glanced to his left and right. No one had walked up while he was lost in thought – he would have seen them since he was standing right in front of the desk. Frowning, he lifted the handle of the coffee pot to pour him more as he glanced to his right one last time. The person next to him appearing so suddenly like a specter caused him to twitch in surprise, spilling hot coffee on his fingers.

"Ah! Dammit!" he cursed in pain as he hurriedly got some napkins and dabbed away the hot liquid.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I scare you? I didn't mean to. I mean, I almost thought you saw me when I walked up, but I guess you didn't…."

Shaking his hand to get the cool air on it and lessen the burning, Colin faced the apologizing male. Blonde hair, violet eyes, a long-ass curl hanging messily, and an unassuming personality was the first thoughts that had entered his mind. This person was someone who had been pushed around…or still was. He was so quiet, it almost seemed like he spoke in whispers.

Colin blinked. "What?"

The person – man, he supposed – shifted anxiously. "I didn't mean to startle you if I did. I thought you noticed me when I walked up, so…."

The guy's hand shifted and Colin noticed the other was now holding the same coffee cup. Huh. He must've been more lost in his thoughts than he first guessed. He gave a reassuring smile. "No, it's alright. It doesn't hurt much anymore. No harm done." Apparently he had given the correct response as the other smiled, relieved.

"Oh, good. I was afraid you'd get mad at me. I tend to startle others and they don't much like it when I do, even though I can't help it. Heh!"

Jeez, could this guy speak any lower? Colin had to strain his ears just to hear him. "No, I know it was an accident. I'm Colin, by the way."

"I'm…Matthew. Are you here for something specific, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I'm here for the meeting going on upstairs." Colin replied, pointing briefly to the ceiling.

The other – "Matthew" – blinked in surprise. "Oh! Are you a representative, then?"

"…'Representative'? Of what?"

Matthew visibly withdrew. "O-Oh. Nevermind. I thought you were someone else."

Colin watched, put-out again, as Matthew now sipped his coffee nervously as an obvious sign of stalling for time. Damn, he had said something wrong and the other had clammed up – he probably wouldn't get any answers about this secretive meeting from the man unless he bullied him out of the information. But Colin wasn't one for bullies. …Or tests of strength, really. Matthew could probably kick his ass in a fight, anyway, despite the other's submissive nature. Sighing, he turned back to watch the people in the lobby go about their business.

It was already getting boring again. Might as well make conversation, right? "So, are you here for the meeting as well. Or, rather, for someone in the meeting?"

Matthew glanced up at him from his cup then down again. "I'm…here for the meeting. But I couldn't make it inside in time."

"They won't let you back in?"

"Well…I usually try to be early _because_ I can never get back in. People don't seem to notice me…and they lock the doors after they're closed…."

"Oh. Can you make it in at all?"

"Well…they usually break for a brief lunch. I can usually make it in during that."

"Hm."

…Geez, this was getting awkward now. Silence again. Colin shifted.

"Um, well…."

Matthew looked at him. "You never did say why you were here exactly. Are you…an assistant of some kind?"

Colin smiled in surprise. "Yes, that's exactly it! No one ever seems to know what my job is – you're the first person to get it right."

Matthew shrugged. "It's not that hard to figure out. Who's assistant are you? Ger- Ludwig Beilchmidt's?"

"Uh…no. Do you know who Hercules Karpusi is?"

Asking such a simple question – Colin was surprised at the wide-eyed response he received because of it.

Matthew nearly choked on the last of his drink. " _Gr-Greece_?"

Colin gave him a look. "Well, yes, he's Greece's representative (we're both Greeks, by the way), but…. Why? Is there something wrong with him? You know, besides the usual?"

Matthew wiped his mouth to avoid answering right away. "…No…."

"C'mon, guy. You know something."

"N-No. It just…caught me by surprise is all. You seem like a nice person."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Um…. Oh, look – it's time for their break! I better get up there! Heh heh!" And with that, the (American?) man ran up the stairs and disappeared around the corner.

Colin sighed silently as he threw his cup away and followed. So many secrets amongst these 'representatives'. Well, it was understandable, if they were really as important as they seemed. Still, Colin couldn't help but wonder if there was more to these people; the secret-keeping seemed just a little too over-the-top. Making it to the correct floor, Colin had to sidestep quickly before he was run over by a herd of people making their way to the lobby. The hallway, previously devoid of any life, was now swarming with professionally-dressed males and females (of all ages, it seemed). Not good with crowds, Colin tried his best to make it quickly through the throng of people, searching for his employer. A person to his side suddenly jumped back and slammed him into the wall as a result.

Okay. That hurt. Ow. Shoulder aches.

"Look what you did, you big lummox! Watch where you're going!"

Well, jeez, it wasn't his fault! Turning to the speaker to either speak his mind or apologize (again, he wasn't good with confrontation), he realized that they weren't even addressing him, but a blonde man with glasses, who patted him roughly.

"Hey, guy, you okay? Didn't see you there!"

Colin struggled to get his bearings. "Uh, er, it's alright, sir. D-Do you know where mister Hercules Karpusi is?"

"Huh? That guy? Why?"

"Because I am his assistant."

The man in front of him laughed, startling Colin at the suddenness. "What, really?"

Colin studied that reaction. Again, why did everyone seem to react that way lately whenever he told them that? Something was obviously amiss. "Uh…yes, sir."

The man continued to chuckle as a shorter man with rather large eyebrows pushed him away.

"Karpusi is that way," he stated, pointing. "Just ignore everyone else and don't look them in the eye, bunch of ingrates."

Colin thanked him before escaping. He was starting to feel overwhelmed at the sheer amount of people still crowded into the hallway. Many noticed him but didn't comment. It was through a lull in group traffic that he saw his employer speaking to two others. Reaching them he called to his boss.

"Mister Karpusi."

Said man turned toward him. "Oh, assistant. I wondered where you were before."

"'Wondered'?"

"Yes. Then I forgot."

"Ah." Well, that made sense. He looked at the other two people there, very aware that he may have interrupted them. "A pleasure to meet you, sirs."

The black-haired one (Asian?) bowed his head. "Likewise, Galanos-san."

The other man, however, laughed loudly as he pointed at Colin. "It's you!"

Colin gasped, affronted, as he recognized the voice; the same one that had called the house that day with insults readily thrown at both him and mister Karpusi. "You!"

The other man leaned toward him. "How is life going for you, jail bait?"

"I-I don't know what you mean by that, but you have the wrong idea about my employment-!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

The Asian man cut in. "Galanos-san, it is my pleasure to meet you. I have heard much about you from Karpusi-san."

Colin blinked and smiled. "Really?" …Wait. "Anything good?"

"… _Ano_ …."

He sighed. "Right."

His employer shrugged. "I only tell the truth."

"Bullshit! No, you don't!"

The other man (…Turkish?) pointed at his employer. "Hey, 'Greasy', you let your assistant talk to you that way?"

"Sure. It's payback because I make his life miserable."

Colin, who was worried he had let his mouth get him in trouble, now relaxed. "Well at least you're honest about it. Wait! You're aware you screw around with me!" A nod. "Then make yourself stop if you know you're doing it!"

"No. It's fun."

"Not for _me_!"

"Oh, there is the intermission bell. Almost time for the second half, yeah? C'mon, J-man, let's go back to our seats and leave these two weirdoes to deal with their sexual tension."

Colin called after them. "I'm not weird; _he's_ weird! And it's not like that!"

His employer clapped him on the shoulder as he moved passed to follow the others. "I have to go."

Colin panicked, not wanting to wait for an unknown number of hours before he got any direction in this place. "W-Wait! What do I do while you're attending, sir? I'm not sure what the job requirements are if I'm not even allowed to enter in the first place."

Greece shrugged as a group of other representatives passed him. "Do whatever you want. Most assistants leave within the first ten minutes." With that, he turned back and walked into the conference room that Colin was not allowed to enter. He stood there, flummoxed, until the doors closed.

Then he began to walk towards the lobby and to the car.

He had driven his employer there so there was only one car for both of them. But since he had to endure feeling useless and awkward, suffering coffee burns, being slammed into the wall, and being harassed (by the _same guy_ ) again all for no reason at all. Well, the man could find his own way home.

With a jerk in his movements, Colin sped off in the car with a middle finger up in his mind.


	8. Assignment 8

Colin drummed his fingers on the table-top in his apartment. The night was young and he was a legible bachelor with his whole life ahead of him.

So _why_...!

"Argh!" He thumped his forehead with his fist and continued to sit in the kitchen. He couldn't stop thinking about how _unusual_ his job was, or, more to the point, how _unusual_ his employer was. And his employers friends. All this time, he had continued thinking they were weird just because they were "high profile" and that was just how some high profile people were – music artists, other famous people...probably some politicians... The point was that Colin went along with it because some important people are just... _eccentric_.

But this... No, this wasn't just being eccentric; this wasn't being weird, or being secretive; this was something way beyond him and he couldn't let it go. Which was why he was up at seven o'clock in the morning (hell, it had been 3:00 when he first got up) because he couldn't sleep because his overactive mind _would not shut up_.

He sighed again and placed his chin in his hand. The quiet ticking of the clock on his wall was soothing and he felt himself almost drifting back to sleep right there at the table. He wouldn't be ashamed to admit that he was actually a little scared of what was going on; he understood he was in a precarious situation and he couldn't exactly tell anyone about it. The mystery of just who ( _or what_ , his mind whispered) mister Heracles Karpusi and his friends was something that was freaking Colin out the more he realized he _didn't know_ and he'd have to be around the man again later today. Just what was in store for him in the future?

Colin blinked sleepily, body outwardly tired and sluggish, but mind working quickly. He wanted to know. If he only _knew_ the mystery, he'd feel safer working for the man – being alone with him in his house that was far enough away from other neighbors to be just under reclusive and having to deal with unusual phone calls and weird predicaments. If there was something dire that _could_ happen, Colin would rather be prepared than go in ignorant. Even if knowing was against the rules.

He nodded to himself slowly. He'll have to figure it out one way or another. If he didn't, he'd probably go insane wondering "what will happen next" for the rest of his time.

* * *

 

Colin stood in front of the door, gathering his courage. Okay. Yes. He could do this. This was easy; just go in and act naturally and keep an eye out for anything mysterious. Yes, look for clues. Anything to help him find out the answer. He nodded. Okay.

Colin pushed open the front door to the Karpusi house. "Mister Karpusi, I'm here again," he called. He heard some muffled answer in return as he made his way to the sitting room. He poked his head around the corner and froze. Nine different pairs of eyes gazed back but only five of them were from cats. The black-haired man, which, as Colin recalled, was the representative of Japan, sat in a chair petting the two cats in his lap. The other man, blonde with...ah, eyebrows – this must be the man from that conference about two weeks ago. He was sitting in the other chair with a slightly grumpy expression on his face, head on his fist, but straightened when he noticed Colin. What mainly got Colin's attention was his employer sitting in the only other chair in the room, a cat in his lap and one on the back of his chair and one cat sitting on the window sill in the background. And beside his employer standing was a man in a black suit – government issued – and briefcase, who gazed at Colin with fierce eyes. They had all obviously been talking about something important and stopped only when Colin had gotten close enough to hear them. The man cut his eyes away from Colin's uncomfortable form and back to the other three men.

"Gentlemen." He nodded to them and stepped away in the wake of their responding partings. He passed Colin with no attention spared and left just about as quickly as Colin had noticed him in the first place.

"Mysterious."

"What?"

Colin breathed, forgetting there was a room with even more mysterious individuals behind him. He flapped his hand. "Um. Nothing!" A silence descended, uncomfortable for him, to be sure. The three in the room seemed to be waiting for something. Colin wasn't entirely sure he wanted to find out.

"Mister...Galanos, was it? Would you like to sit down-"

"Tea!" He hurriedly cut the Englishman off.

"Excuse me?"

"T-t-tea. I'll...I'm going to fix some-ome tea. For the guests. Be right back with it!" He forced himself to walk away, arms swinging forcefully to make him cover more ground. He swung into the kitchen and, with jerky movements, began to make the tea that he didn't really care about making in the first place. He absentmindedly replaced a cat on the stove with the teapot, barely aware of anything but his own thoughts, and turned on the heat. He gazed at the boiling water as a cat wound itself in-between his legs. Something was going to happen today and Colin didn't know what. That man before was from Parliament, but high up ( _just like everyone else around you, underdog_ , his mind whispered again and would you shut up already, brain? Thank you very much. Douche.). With so many important people in one room, meeting together and...possibly _waiting_ for him to show up...

Oh, God.

Ohhh, hell. Did he do something wrong? Was he going to be "taken out" because he got too close to the truth? But, but how did they even _know_! Colin hadn't had a chance to do anything but arrive here this morning! What, were they mind-readers now, too? His hand trembled as he poured the water over the bags in the cups. Well, how to get out of this. He could keep interrupting them before they could try to trick him into letting his guard down. Or he could take one hostage. But, no, he wasn't really that type of person. ...He couldn't think.

Agonizingly, because he was aware time was running out, he brought the tray of teacups into the room, the other men lounging comfortably but alert. Oh, balls. They were totally going to give him bad news. They were totally going to...to shoot him or something when he least expected it, like in spy movies. He settled the tray on the table with a shaky clink.

The Japanese man frowned at him. "Are you alright, Galanos-san?"

"Fine!"

His employer blinked slowly at him. "No need to yell, assistant."

Colin took a shaky breath, no longer able to deal with his stress. "What is this 'meeting' about, sir?" The others stared at him and then looked at each other. He continued, feeling sweat starting to break out on his forehead. "Have I...made a mistake at any point in my employment?" He hurriedly continued as the Englishman opened his mouth to speak. "I-If I found out something I'm not supposed to, I promise I won't tell anyone! I didn't mean to find out even if I wanted to find out this morning," they gave him weird looks, "but I don't want to know anymore – promise! I'll keep it quiet – I'm good at being silent, please don't get rid of me!"

"What on _earth_ are you talking about? What do you think we are here for - to kill you?" the Englishman stood and reached his hand...into his inside jacket pocket!

That's where they hide the guns in the movies! Abort! Abort! Run! Colin heeded his fight-or-flight instinct and ran from the room.

"The devil-?"

"Ahhh! Get away from me!"

He got as far as the hallway leading to the door before a slim body collided into his and forced him down to the ground.

"Calm down, you crazy idiot!"

"Get off of me, you evil Brit!"

"Now that's just racist. And will you stop struggling! We're not," he dodged Colin's elbow aimed for his face, "here to kill you! Japan, a little help would be welcome!"

The black-haired man nodded serenely, "Of course, Igirisu-san." He walked over to them, bent down, and reached out to pinch a nerve on Colin's neck, who saw this and started to screech.

"No, no, Japan! I want you to help me – not knock him out!"

"Ah! I-I-! _Gomen_ , Kirkland-san. But I am confused-"

"That makes two of us!" Colin yelled as he wiggled under the hold. "Get off me!"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Japan, never mind, knock him out!"

"Yaaah! Don't you dare!"

"I am confused..."

They continued to yell before a bucket of warm water forced its way over their heads, shocking them enough to stop their arguments. Colin stopped struggling and the other two looked at the Greek man with the pail. Greece lowered the bucket.

"Can I speak now?" The ones on the floor blinked back. "Good. ...Assistant, stop being dramatic and get up."

"I can't!"

He felt a glare on his head from the Englishman. "Well, I wouldn't have had to tackle you like an animal if you only sat down and listened." Nevertheless, he got off Colin and they all stood up.

His employer's friend held his hands up towards Colin in a calming move. "Please listen to us, Galanos-san; we mean you no harm."

Colin's attacker sniffed.

His employer tilted his head. "Parliament thought we should come clean...about our existence before now." He gained Colin's attention at this admission. "It's procedure to tell assistants...once they begin to work for us." He gestured to Colin's wet figure. "Before it gets to...this point."

Colin couldn't think of anything to say. He wasn't going to be shipped somewhere where no one would ever hear from him again, and he was going to be told the truth of all the strange things he'd questioned up 'till now. It was a surreal feeling.

The other blonde in the hall crossed his arms. "We usually just tell our assistants once they begin to suspect us, if they've been working with us for awhile." He fixed Colin with a stare that Colin returned with a slight glare. "Most would have questioned the strangeness long before now. What the hell is wrong with you that it took you this long to question things?"

Colin blushed at that. "W-Well-! Um, it's just...mister Karpusi only seemed like an eccentric man; it makes sense that he has eccentric friends."

"Why are Greeks so weird?"

"You're the weird one."

"Enough. Assistant," he waited for Colin to look at him, "do you know...what a personification is?"

* * *

 

"Countries? All of you?"

"Yes."

"And you're Greece, the actual country."

"...Yes."

"So do you feel it when someone digs a pole into the ground?"

Greece opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by England.

"Of course not, we're not _that_ sensitive to the earth."

The immediate ire was returned with relish. "Excuse me, _Britain_ , I was talking to my _employer_ , Greece."

"The answer involves me, too, and my name is 'England' now, you ninny."

"You're a mean country."

England sputtered. Japan smiled.

"This is hard to take in, _hai_? Do you have any questions?"

Colin waved his hand. "Oh, lots. But I can't think of any of them right now." They nodded. "Well, except one: what happens now? It's okay that I know, right?"

England nodded, setting aside their argumentative natures for now. "Actually, you signed a nondisclosure agreement before you began to work."

"Wha-? I did?"

"Did you not read the papers that determine your future?" England asked him with a sigh, as if he dealt with this brand of ignorance every day.

Colin frowned with embarrassment. "Er...I read most of it." He scratched a non-existent itch on his neck. "I was so excited to get such a high-paying job, though."

"And being so highly-paid by being a mere assistant didn't strike you as odd?"

"...Mister Karpusi- I mean, mister Greece was...unusual enough."

"Oh, I see your point."

Greece's only reaction to their slights were a slow blink and a deliberate petting of the cat on his lap.

Japan set his tea down. "You handled the situation well when you thought you were in danger, Galanos-san. Thank you for not poisoning our tea."

"Er..." He had thought about it, though.

"Moving on," his employer-turned-country drawled. "You cannot tell anyone. But you do have the freedom to quit, if you wish."

Colin startled. "I do?"

Greece nodded with uninterested eyes. "Parliament will keep eyes on you, but you don't have to remain...attached to me if you don't wish to be." He scratched his cat under the chin.

Colin nodded with resolution. "I want to quit immediately."

England choked on his tea. "What? That was fast, don't you want to think about it for a mo'?"

"Heck _no_. Do you _know_ what I've suffered through since I came to work for this man?" he gestured to all of Greece, who nodded in agreement.

"It's true; I've abused him...greatly."

England and Colin scowled at him and stated, "Don't agree so easily!" They glanced at each other and turned their own scowls on each other.

Greece shrugged. "You should just work...for some other country. You were a good assistant...and Parliament won't let you do much else until they are sure...you can be trusted to go out into the world. Without supervision." He suddenly let his head fall back, as if all this talking was sapping his strength. Actually, Colin wouldn't be surprised if this was true. How was his birth country so...out of energy all of the time?

He shook his head out of his thoughts. "So I'm going to be spied on so I don't blab your big secret? Great," he groaned. England gave him a rather unsympathetic shrug.

Japan smiled more sympathetically. "Only for a little while. In the mean time, what do you think you would like to do? I agree with Greece-san –"

"Greece- _kun_ –"

"-that you would feel less pressure from other humans if you only worked for another country, if not Greece-san."

"Greece-kun."

Colin shrugged his shoulders. "If it's alright to work for a country that I'm not even from-?"

"It is. You will have to file for temporary residence, however, if you do not wish to live there."

"Then...that sounds fine."

And it did. He felt more qualified to be an assistant to someone than he did for any other jobs he'd ever had. And if you looked past any idiosyncrasies, it was a surprisingly easy job (if you didn't count the lack of self-respect and gratitude for any help you gave) to do. If Colin could work for someone as horribly teasing and abusive as Greece, then he could take working for any other weird country they could hand him off to. Colin nodded resolutely for a second time.

"No offense, mister Karpu- Greece, but I think I'll spare any sanity I have left and work 'assistant' for someone else." _You jerk_ , his mind added with revenge, all the crap he'd had to deal with while working under the country coming back to him.

"You were an adequate assistant, assistant."

"Thank you, mister Greece."

"But you weren't very good."

 _Asshole_. "Do you even know my name?"

"I've said it...before."

"But do you remember it?"

"...I don't need to...because you're leaving."

"Right, you've completely forgotten. Well, whatever." He turned to England. "What countries can I come work for?"

England walked toward them, studying the form in his hand. "There aren't many countries who either need an assistant or have applied for one."

Greece held his hand out for the form and scanned his eyes down the list. He then picked up a pen and marked a name for Colin before closing it and sticking it in an envelope with other forms that were to be sent back to Parliament. "It is done."

England peered at his face. "Who did you pick?"

"That," he leaned back into his chair, "is only for my...cherished assistant to know."

Colin narrowed his eyes. " _Who_ did you pick, you sadist."

"You'll find out...soon."

* * *

 

Colin sweated as he brandished a pole from a broken rake and stood his ground as a figure came towards him.

"Assistaaant~! What did you do to my study?" The figure laughed. "Did you think I would not notice?"

Colin swayed the pole back and forth. "I did what you told me to do, you psycho! It was messy and I cleaned it up!"

"Ufuu~! I told you not to touch the ones in front of the desk."

"No, you told me not to touch the ones behind the desk. And I made them orderly – there's no reason you should be mad at that."

Russia stopped once he had come into view and pursed his lips as he looked to the ceiling. "That is true. But you should also learn to listen better."

Colin stood with his feet apart and ready. "I did listen."

"You did not. Do you need another lesson on what the cold can do to a person's body?"

"Aaah! You keep your weird DVDs and your weird demonstrations away from me! If it'll make you calm your shit, then, okay, I'll admit I messed up and I'll listen better next time. Happy?"

Russia nodded with a smile. "So happy. You know I enjoy you being here, assistant."

"Yeah, right," Colin muttered while twisting the pole back and forth in his hands. And what was with some countries not bothering to remember his name? It wasn't that hard to say.

Russia clapped his hands together. "In fact, I am sorry to have been misjudging you. Let us hug and 'make up', _da_?" He bounced toward Colin with cheerful determination.

Colin panicked and threw the pole at him (bastard didn't even look at it as he ducked under it) and ran out of the room and down the hallways around the house. "Get away from meee!"

"Assistant!" his employer admonished with a pout. "Why do you always play this game? You know I always win."

"Screw you!"

"Ufuu~! I suppose we can play some more before you have to make dinner."

"I'm an assistant, not a servant!"

"What is the difference?"

Colin groaned as he cursed Greece again for pulling his last prank on him before Colin left. If he'd known Russia was so much of a deviation from his previous employer, he would have saved himself the trouble and stayed in Greece's employment. He turned another corner (the same one he'd already passed) and reflected on the fact that the new changes in his life were both good and bad.

He almost opened the door to outside (easier to lose his employer in it) but remembered the last time he'd left he'd been locked out "on accident" and had spent three hours outside in the cold before his employer finally heard him and opened it. (No one else lived here, the bastard could totally hear him banging on the doors and windows, he just didn't want to open it!) The bad things that had happened to him were some of the examples he'd already named. And _more_.

He went onto another flight of stairs and ascended them quickly before his employer had even rounded the corner. He continued on with barely a moment's rest. The good thing (the only one he could think of) was that his stamina had increased. Ridiculously so.

"Assistant, when did you get so fast~?"

"You know when!"

"Ha ha ha!"

As he ducked into a room to hide, he vowed to never complain again about having a desk job for as long as he lived. Countries were a _bitch_ to work for.

**End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Copied in full, as posted first on FanFiction)


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